On being a mother...
Oh, before I had children. Well...before I had children, I would go out dancing almost every night, If I could get away with it. I would laugh in the face of cruel fate ...news stories didn't affect me in the slightest (uh huh...famine. that's a shame...big deal, I'm not hungry at the moment) I could do what I more or less wanted. I was on the national executive of my trade union...I travelled a lot. Everything was the easiest it had ever been. I was positively skinny!

Then I fell in love. I had never contemplated having children before I met the X. Nasty, smelly, shitty, pukey, demanding ...that's children...not the.. oh, never mind... and suddenly the love that I felt was so great...so all-consuming that children just seemed the ultimate expression of that love. The person in question was undoubtedly worth going through nine months of psychosis and agony for. So what that my body was ripped apart (literally...lets not even go there) by childbirth? So what that I am covered in stretch-marks like tigers stripes from belly to hip? My stomach will probably always resemble cold porridge in a wet paper bag...its not like I'm ever going to sleep with anybody other than the father of my children again. (Ha!!)

And I had my daughter. And in the very first moment that I saw her, I knew that my life was never going to be the same again and that I had fallen head over heels in love with someone just a few moments old. And my darling boys who torment me continually. I was giving a lot of thought to the children the other day. I sometimes believe there is little hope for me. Its OK for the X. Yes, he misses them, but he is seldom woken at three AM by a crying child with nightmares. Sometimes he leaves my house in tears. I secretly and horribly enjoy his torment. He has the benefit of being able to curl up against the average form of the woman he maybe thinks he loves and go back to sleep. He probably has more sex than I care to think about. (in a way I am jealous...not of either of them, but that 'they' have someone ) I have porn and speculation to assuage my libido. I have my children. We are a team. An indivisable team. If anyone ever loves me again they will have to love my children. Ay, theres the rub. I read a story about a woman who met someone on the internet (purely research!!) and she left her children to go and live with this guy and I shuddered. I could never ever even think about this. Although how anyone could love someone who would leave their children for them is beyond my feeble comprehension. Even when I feel like sitting cross-legged in what used to be my living room and holding my head in my hands and weeping. Even when I've read 'Daisy Duck' for fifteeen consequtive nights